00:00:01	Oh, man.
00:00:04	Thank you.
00:00:08	Oh, man.
00:00:09	Oh, wow.
00:00:12	..
00:00:13	Okay.
00:00:14	Let me-- please!
00:00:16	Please, let me start!
00:00:18	Oh, god!
00:00:19	[Cheers, whistles & applause] all right.
00:00:25	Oh!
00:00:27	All right, that-- that last part you guys were just mocking me, right?
00:00:30	You're kind of making fun of me a little bit?
00:00:32	That's okay.
00:00:33	Um, god, thank you guys so much.
00:00:35	There's no way I can follow that.
00:00:37	I'm just letting you know that right now.
00:00:39	You've destroyed my special.
00:00:40	..
00:00:41	[Laughter] you know I want one email that says that, "lesbians wanna service my hog," or "gushing " and it just says that in the subject heading.
00:00:56	Remember when porn e-mails that like, you knew instantly, "oh, it's porn, you can just delete " now, they try to like trojan horse it on you and sneak on you a little bit and go "her are " and you go, "oh, did I get drunk " and, you click on it and elbow deep in asian teens.
00:01:14	Oh, my god, ..?
00:01:17	You sick bastards.
00:01:19	I can see myself getting drunk and buying stamps and, you know.
00:01:23	Oh, the state bird's purchased, but now I gotta-- [laughter] whee!
00:01:31	Here are some facts about midgets that I read in "discover magazine".
00:01:37	Don't dispute me.
00:01:39	If you hit a midget on the head with a stick he turns into 40 gold coins, did you know that?
00:01:45	Forty glittering gold coins you can take to the market and buy a fine fat goose for your goodly wife.
00:01:52	Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepytime tea.
00:01:57	Oh, isn't that a big tub full of chamomile?
00:02:01	Thanks mr. scoops.
00:02:03	Also, if you kick a midget in the balls, he turns into eight squirrels, and they run off into the forest.
00:02:10	But here's the thing, if you lose a fight to a midget, you become one, did you know that?
00:02:16	At the beginning of time, there was one midget.
00:02:18	Everyone was like, "come on " now look around, they're everywhere.
00:02:22	Let that be a lesson.
00:02:24	Just walk away.
00:02:25	Be the bigger man-- literally-- [blowing raspberry] all right.
00:02:31	I love being funny and clever.
00:02:32	..
00:02:33	[Laughter] god they told me the money was buried under a giant "o".
00:02:40	[Laughter] ..
00:02:46	[Clearing throat] " there was a tv show where people went on national television and " but, instead of developing an original personality, or maybe charm, or a startling presence, "i want someone to take a hot knife to my flesh and cut me to make me to look like the people on the tv box and the " [laughter] that's what sociopath's do.
00:03:21	You don't give sociopath's tv shows.
00:03:24	Those people-- and have some perspective.
00:03:27	They cut themselves to look like brad pitt, or britany spears-- very good looking people, but if that show had existed in the 80s, THERE'D BE GUY WALKING Around looking like hall & oats right now going, "yeah, I look like john oats from hall & oats, " "pretty good, man.
00:03:45	Life's all right.
00:03:45	Life's all right.
00:03:48	I'm on a [bleep] train, and it's never derailing.
00:03:50	It's never derailing.
00:03:51	It's always gonna be good.
00:03:52	" it's awesome.
00:03:55	" [laughter and applause] I just image some guy getting gassed, "make me look like " [nasal sound] when are they-- what are they not going to do a reality show about?
00:04:18	When is there gonna be a thing where reality show producers go, "yeah, let's not bother filming that.
00:04:23	Let's--" [laughter] you know what I'm saying?
00:04:26	You can't film everything and put it on tv.
00:04:28	There used to be a time where you would come home and reality was so crappy you would turn on the tv to watch stuff people had made up so that you could escape from the crappy reality.
00:04:38	Now you go out and you deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home and go, "i just wanna go home so I can watch dickheads and morons on tv.
00:04:46	Oh, my god.
00:04:48	" there's no escape.
00:04:51	[Cheers and applause] if we keep filming all the reality there's gonna come day when we wake up and on the horizon there's gonna be this huge wall of white silence slowly rolling towards us.
00:05:08	And everyone's gonna go, " 30 tomorrow afternoon.
00:05:12	We filmed all the-- there's no reality left.
00:05:15	We filmed it all.
00:05:16	We ran out of reality.
00:05:18	Maybe we shouldn't have done the 8th season ofworld's most listless loiterers.
00:05:22	But you know, I don't know " and then they're gonna have to hire hollywood screenwriters, start writing people's realities so that we don't run out of it.
00:05:30	And they'll go, "yeah, man gets up.
00:05:32	Has breakfast.
00:05:33	" but then the producers come in going, "you can't just have a guy eating breakfast and going to work.
00:05:37	There should be a ninja attack " and then that's-- we will start living in a summer blockbuster for life.
00:05:44	They'll be just like-- every day you'll have to get up and foil a terrorist plot or have to, you know, deal with time travel.
00:05:51	And then the big summer blockbuster movies will turn into stuff like "man eats " and like you'll go to that for escape.
00:05:59	But then there'll be indy guys going, "see, this hollywood crap, that's not reality.
00:06:03	Where's the ninja vampires, man?
00:06:05	All these big summer blockbusters.
00:06:08	It's crap!
00:06:09	" [applause] my reality sucks now.
00:06:19	I'm 35-years old.
00:06:22	All my friends are either having babies or getting sober.
00:06:25	And they're equally annoying.
00:06:28	They're equally annoying.
00:06:30	There's no difference in the-- okay people that are getting sober-- and god bless them they're getting sober, so I am trying-- they always get to that part of the sobriety-- the twelve step where they've gotta go apologize to everyone that they were ever mean to.
00:06:47	So, you're in some hot 7-11 parking lot just trying to go home and someone you barely remember gets up in your face and is like "oh, hey, patton.
00:06:58	..
00:07:00	I don't know if you know, I've been sober for eight months now, and so, I just wanna apologize for-- I don't know if you remember we were at a party 11 years ago and you said that you thought scorsese was a better film maker ..
00:07:16	So, I just really want to apologize for that.
00:07:22	That was wrong.
00:07:23	Because, my dad never hugged me " and then you gotta hear their whole story.
00:07:29	And I get so angry when they don't have anything cool to tell me to apologize for, that I'll just make up stuff that they did, and just assume they were a blackout drunk and they you know, just shove them into 20 more meetings.
00:07:39	And like-- and like, "hey, thanks for apologizing for that.
00:07:42	What about the time when you pissed on my mom's face at her funeral?
00:07:45	And he goes, "i don't-- " of course you don't, you were hammered, and they're like, " and, they gotta go to like 50 meetings in a week, you know.
00:07:53	My mom's still alive.
00:07:56	Tee hee.
00:07:57	[Laughter] and, then babies-- people come up to me-- people think it's okay just to walk up to me holding a baby-- like that's cool.
00:08:06	"Look at this a little baby.
00:08:08	And a baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it's shirtless, which is really creepy.
00:08:18	It's a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist.
00:08:25	How horrifying is that?
00:08:27	Try to think about that for a second.
00:08:30	A person like-- [laughter and applause] if you were like walking on the street and some homeless guy ran up with a bag of crap, " you'd go like, "what the hell's " and you'd run away from him.
00:08:48	But a baby is a bag of crap that can make noise and grab stuff, and ruin movies on top of being a bag of crap.
00:08:56	And everyone is "oh, that's " "that's wonderful.
00:08:59	" what about people like me that have learned how to control they're drinking and are not polluting the planet with kids?
00:09:05	Don't I get something?
00:09:07	[Cheers and applause] everyone like-- all these people.
00:09:16	" oh, my god, let's give you a parade.
00:09:19	" let's burn your name on the surface of the moon.
00:09:24	"Hey, I learned how to stop at two scotches and I don't have any miniature versions of myself " nah, whatever.
00:09:31	What?
00:09:33	I'm ten times better than both those guys.
00:09:35	[Laughter] Patton Oswalt: And now I live-- I now live in burbank, california, which is the perfect center of boredom in the universe.
00:13:13	And I escaped the suburbs.
00:13:15	I grew up in the suburbs of northern virginia and I got as far away as I possibly could only to end up in burbank?
00:13:22	How did that happen?
00:13:23	Because I was growing up in my 20s I HAD THIS HUGE HARD-ON FOR Sketchy neighborhoods, man.
00:13:28	The more dangerous the neighborhood, that's where I wanted to live.
00:13:31	Because I was living my flabby, man-boobed fantasy of being a burroughs type.
00:13:37	But really, you know, living that fantasy behind five locks and off-street parking, fine.
00:13:42	[Laughter] but I did live in really weird neighborhoods.
00:13:45	And I used to live in this really sketchy apartment building on normandy avenue in hollywood.
00:13:51	Choked with freaks.
00:13:53	That's my whole apartment building, nothing but freaks.
00:13:55	And when I renewed my lease like month to month a couple years ago the landlord sent me a little xerox saying, "thanks for staying on the winning team at our apartment building.
00:14:06	And I was like, "is that the winning team that includes the bolivian woman with night terrors who lives below me who wakes me up at four am every-- ' and also the creepy gay guy in just bicycle shorts who just rides the elevator all day.
00:14:23	Smells like soup mix.
00:14:24	Like "hey, are you're working " oh, god.
00:14:29	[Laughter] I guess if we crap out in iraq, they can just send in team crappy apartment.
00:14:35	Just get them in there.
00:14:36	[Laughter] now I live in burbank.
00:14:41	When I got to burbank, still I had my sketchy head on thinking, "oh, there's gotta be some dark, sticky james elroy past to burbank, you know, because everything else in hollywood is based on " like hollywood was named for a girl named holly who was hit with a piece of wood and then raped.
00:15:01	" like it's just awful.
00:15:04	So I get to burbank and they gave me a little pamphlet.
00:15:07	" I'm like, oh, maybe burbank is spanish for ghost pig.
00:15:11	Or there was some kind of massacre.
00:15:13	Who knows?
00:15:14	History of burbank.
00:15:15	The plaque for burbank was filed ON MAY 1st, 1887.
00:15:18	By dave burbank!
00:15:22	A dentist from the east coast who got a wild hair up his ass one day and said, "i'm gonna " and, indeed, he did.
00:15:32	End of story!
00:15:33	That's it.
00:15:35	That's all that happened.
00:15:36	What?
00:15:38	The whole-- [applause] everything else-- everything else in the san fernando valley, you know, like glanton's raiders rode in and slaughtered an indian village and cut the chieftain's head off and put it on a stake with his balls hanging out of his mouth.
00:15:56	And sherman oaks!
00:15:57	You're like every other town that's how they were formed.
00:16:00	And burbank is all about, "hey, do you mind if I form a " " the end.
00:16:07	Burbank, a history of things working out fine.
00:16:11	[Laughter] although the one creepy thing about the suburbs when I used to live in my sketch neighborhoods in apartments, halloween meant that you put a little cutout jack 'o lantern, or a cutout black cat on your door.
00:16:24	Happy halloween kids-- whee, you know?
00:16:26	The suburbs means decorate your front lawn with the most graphic, bloody, horrifying displays of murder and gore that you can possible conjure.
00:16:40	Everyone's front lawn in my neighborhood, there's guys, they hang like a fake body from the tree.
00:16:47	Not like a ghost or a witch, a dead body just twirling in the midday sun.
00:16:53	Whee!
00:16:56	Hey, isn't this a holiday for kids?
00:17:00	The guy has like the-- puts the stippling where the blood bruises and the-- it's like acsiat every front lawn.
00:17:09	What [bleep] job is he not getting in that house, or he's gotta be out front "i gotta show her the neck bone " [laughter]] looks like frankenstein and the wolfman entered into a suicide pact with each other.
00:17:22	Only wolfman had the spine to see it through and that's a fantail pattern of the brains came out as a 450 cassool-- most power handgun and frankenstein's got a remorse and he's [bleep] off on the corpse, folks, and that's what happens in those murder/suicide pacts.
00:17:39	[Applause] I don't know what to tell you.
00:17:42	Oh, boy.
00:17:43	Oh, boy.
00:17:44	It's sad.
00:17:46	That's a sad end.
00:17:47	Who wants a mini three musketeers?
00:17:49	[Laughter] ooh.
00:21:24	Patton Oswalt: I'm kind of in between worlds right now, because I was so against the war.
00:21:28	And I so hate george bush and yet, at the some time, that's not-- people-- [cheers and applause] it's not-- ..
00:21:39	Thank you.
00:21:40	Thank you.
00:21:41	[Cheers and applause continue] I love how I'm acting like I'm so ballsy saying that "i don't care who I piss off in this room full of people I e-mailed, ..
00:21:52	[Laughter] what the hell's wrong with me.
00:21:56	Oh, my god.
00:21:57	[Laughter continues] hate the war.
00:22:02	Hate george bush.
00:22:03	I also hate hippies.
00:22:05	I'm a man without a country.
00:22:07	I hate hippies.
00:22:08	I hate them.
00:22:10	There are two generations of people that need to die out.
00:22:14	THESE OLD 50s INDUSTRIAL Military complex war-mongers need to die, and the tambourine banging no bathin' bearded hippies all need to die.
00:22:25	And then we need conservatives that can accept gays, and we need hippies that shave and bath.
00:22:30	We need both of those and that'll move us forward.
00:22:33	Please god.
00:22:36	And honestly, they will say, "wow, I can't believe the war " you know, I can't believe it didn't happen sooner with all your symbolic protests.
00:22:44	No wonder the war happened.
00:22:46	Send an email, do a march.
00:22:48	We're not gonna send an email.
00:22:50	That's just how big brother traps you.
00:22:52	"Here's how we'll stop the war.
00:22:54	We're gonna make the world's biggest finger painting and " no it won't, for god's sakes!
00:23:03	"I know how we can stop the war.
00:23:06	We're gonna knit the world's smallest pair of hemp pants and put 'em on a mouse, and hide " "but, which cupboard is it in, man?
00:23:16	People will be so busy thinking about that, they won't have time " oh god, you're idiots.
00:23:23	[Applause] oh!
00:23:27	It's like the same thing-- I send money to npr.
00:23:33	I support them.
00:23:34	I support them philosophically, but it's unlistenable radio.
00:23:39	You understand me?
00:23:41	I send them money so I don't have to listen to them.
00:23:43	When did conservatives steal rock 'n roll from us?
00:23:48	When did that happen?
00:23:49	All the am stations-- nothing but racist, fascist, douchbags-- all their break music is this blasty-ass gut-bucket rock 'n roll.
00:23:58	Bill o'reilly will play the white strips for god's sakes.
00:24:01	Then you turn over to npr and their break music is a sad, lonely saxophone echoing through a sewer pipe somewhere.
00:24:09	When did that happen?
00:24:10	[Laughter] so, you turn and like "next on bill o'reilly, white/black " [solo bass guitar playing] "later on npr we'll talk to a woman who makes macrameé belts " [waa, waa, waa, waa,] [waa, waa, waa, waa, waa, waa] [applause] play some zeppelin, for god's sakes.
00:24:41	"It's our pledge drive here on npr, and we have a 20 minute field recording of a atume lucku,which is a bosnian instrument, which can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and three kids who have " [garbled music playing] [laughter] "the tibetan practice of scream singing rightfully died out in the 4th century bc, but two berkley trust fund students have revived it " ] [laughter, cheers & applause] oh, my hatred of hippies.
00:25:26	Oh my hatred of hippies has engendered a love of steaks in me that I love steaks with a vengeance.
00:25:36	I love steaks more than i actually love 'em out of my hatred of hippies.
00:25:39	[Laughter] because, every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hackiesack goes in the gutter.
00:25:45	You know that-- you know that's true.
00:25:46	Goes in the sewer.
00:25:48	"Oh, man.
00:25:51	Somebody just cut into a " [laughter] and I like the high-end place too, like ruth's chris, and lowry's, and omaha prime, man.
00:26:02	I'll go there.
00:26:03	They're awesome.
00:26:04	But, I'll go the middle of the road steak houses, you know, like sizzler, black angus, because it's steak-- it's steak.
00:26:10	You know, not so much black angus, though.
00:26:12	'Member about a couple years ago their ads used to be really friendly?
00:26:15	Remember that?
00:26:17	They would go, "hey, black angus, come on it.
00:26:18	Have a steak.
00:26:19	" " "that's great.
00:26:24	" [laughter] but this past year the ads for black angus have gotten so-- it's like turned into this gauntlet of threatening food.
00:26:34	You know where it doesn't look fun any more?
00:26:36	Where they're like, "at black angus, we'll start you off with an appetizer platter featuring five jumbo deep fried gulf shrimp served on a disk of salted butter with 15 of our potato baking bombs in a big bowl of pork cracklins' with our cheese 'n butter " you're like, "oh hey, we're all " "you'll each get your own!
00:27:01	[Laughter] then we'll take you to our mile long super salad bar featuring bacon and cheese cream soup with our five head of iceberg lettuce he-man salad served in a punch bowl with 15 pounds of ranch dressing and what the " "oh, hey-- um, can I just get " "hey, I'll suck a [bleep] on christopher street before i bring you a mixed greens, " [laughter and applause] " "then we'll wheel out our bottomless trough of fried " [laughter] "seriously, am i-- " "oh, you'll get a steak.
00:27:43	[Laughter] 'cause then we'll bring out our 55 ouncelos mesahe-man steak slab served with a deep fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops and 67 of our potato " [laughter continues] "ugh, hey, man, there's no way I could--" "and then bend over, abigail may, 'cause here comes " [laughter and applause] " Patton Oswalt: I was-- you know whatever happened to 80s METAL, TOO?
00:30:33	I mean, like crazy dragons and demons and lost-- I mean,vh1classics does a show calledmetal mania, and I watched-- they had a whole weekend, ALL 80s METAL VIDEOS FOR TWO Straight days.
00:30:48	I watched all two days of it, and I learned something WATCHING TWO DAYS OF 80s METAL.
00:30:53	If you were into metal in the 80s, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE GAY.
00:30:56	Did you know that?
00:30:57	You are gay.
00:30:58	[Laughter] those videos are gayer than eight guys [bleep] nine guys.
00:31:03	That is how gay those videos are.
00:31:06	They're that gay.
00:31:07	[Laughter, cheers & applause] every single video has a bunch of shirtless sweaty guys, or worse yet, like a vest and no shirt-- hello!
00:31:17	[Laughter] just rockin' out in a factory that apparently just makes sparks, they just make sparks all day.
00:31:25	And there just like rockin' out and rubbin' bare shoulder ..
00:31:29	[Strumming solo bass guitar].
00:31:30	And then they'll cut to a bunch of hot women miles away from the band in another time zone in an auto wrecking yard or a dude ranch going, "yeah.
00:31:42	Maybe I'll get the guys in skritty pallity to bone 'cause I'm not gonna get any [bleep] from the guys in jackal with a " [laughter and applause] ..
00:31:53	But the one recurring motif in these videos that I wish would come back, were the bands that could rock so hard they could change the physical properties of things.
00:32:04	You know, they would blow holes through walls, or they'd walk up to your crappy geo and go, "scribbly, flabbly do," and all of a sudden it's a sleek lamborghini like, "hey, whew, " that needs to come back, you know?
00:32:19	..
00:32:21	[Cheers, whistles & applause] there's gotta be like a band now like "queens of the stone age" or "system of the damned" that does a video going, "hey, that cheese sandwich isn't grilled-- " and all of a sudden it's like, "hot, melted cheese, hey wow, you armenian geniuses".
00:32:41	[Laughter] but that concept jumped the SHARK IN THE LATE 80s WHERE There was a super group called " remember that?
00:32:50	"Damn yankees".
00:32:51	They had a guy from "night ranger".
00:32:54	They had a guy from "styx" and ted nugent formed a super group.
00:32:58	And in their video the police have cornered them in a house, because they're dangerous.
00:33:05	[Laughter] "there's a 47 year-old guy from "night ranger" in that band.
00:33:10	" ..
00:33:12	[Laughter] the police are just shooting bullets and shotguns into the house filling it with lead, but ted nugent comes walking out with his guitar and he's going "squibbly, flabb--" and the bulls are going, ping-- zang-- he's deflecting the bullets with the power of his rocket.
00:33:33	[Laughter and applause] ..
00:33:37	[Applause continues] where were the bevis & butthead copycats when that video came out?
00:33:47	You know, just ball across the mid-west guys going, "you start shooting-- ready?
00:33:51	Okay, here we go.
00:33:51	Squibbly-- pit-- pit-- pit--" dead.
00:33:54	[Laughter] we could have lost the entire mullet haircut in one weekend-- just gone-- gone-- wiped out-- yes.
00:34:03	Oh, jiffy lube's hiring.
00:34:06	[Laughter] oh.
00:34:13	I'm amazed I'm still funny.
00:34:15	I'm amazed I'm still funny, because I'm in love.
00:34:19	I'm in love.
00:34:20	I'm in love.
00:34:21	Yes, I am.
00:34:24	And there's nothing-- nothing ends a comedian's career quicker than regular sex and being in love.
00:34:30	It's the worst thing on the planet.
00:34:32	And it's your worst entertainment dollar.
00:34:34	You don't wanna see some happy comedian on stage going, "hey, folks, bush is a sociopath.
00:34:38	We're all on the edge of armageddon.
00:34:40	But do you know what makes it all better?
00:34:41	Snuggling.
00:34:42	C'mon people.
00:34:43	Who likes to snuggle?
00:34:44	" oh, it's the worst.
00:34:47	You ever go out with someone then you realize three months into it they're a little, muffin basket made outta rainbow kisses?
00:34:53	Hello, is this on?
00:34:54	Hey, what are you, mummies?
00:34:56	[Laughter and applause] the worst.
00:35:00	[Laughter] my girlfriend is obsessed with like true crime and serial killers, too.
00:35:07	All she does all day-- watches fbi files, forensics files on tv.
00:35:11	The most graphic, disturbing, depressing shows.
00:35:14	I walk in the house every single day "the amount of semen found in the chest rcavity lead .." [laughter] " it's like "shhh, it's the semen cavity killer.
00:35:24	" [laughter] so, last year they re-released the good, the bad and the ugly--maybe the greatest movie ever made.
00:35:34	So-- [cheers and applause] ..
00:35:39	She said, "i've never seen the good, the bad and the ugly.
00:35:42	I was like, "well, you're in " so, we go to seethe good, the bad and the ugly-- ten minutes into it, she walked out, 'cause it was too violent.
00:35:49	It was too violent.
00:35:51	The good, the bad and the uglyis nothing but guys dying like this.
00:35:55	[Laughter] that's it.
00:35:59	That's the whole movie.
00:36:00	That's the whole movie.
00:36:02	That's as violent as-- " !" and then I gotta go home-- "the necklace was made of vaginas and that led--" oh, my god.
00:36:14	[Laughter] Patton Oswalt: So, this is so-- you guys have no idea how [bleep] cool this is that you're coming out, seeing this, 'cause COMEDY DIED IN THE EARLY 90s, And thank god.
00:40:20	It died a horrible death, you know.
00:40:23	And it starved all the-- not only did it starve out the bad comedians, it starved out the-- like the bad audiences also stopped going, and then now what's left are like comedians that really love it, and then audiences thatreallylove it.
00:40:34	And they're like fun to perform for again, you know?
00:40:36	But the one thing I do miss about the comedy boom in the 80s WERE THE OPEN-MIKES.
00:40:40	And I mean, when I say, "open mike," I meananybodycan go on stage and dowhateverthey want.
00:40:47	Those were amazing because you got to see three things.
00:40:51	You got to see one, people that were going to be funny some day and kinda had a voice and a vision.
00:40:56	Two, people that were funny, but who cares.
00:40:58	Who's like, "isn't airline food crappy?
00:41:01	And, dogs and cats are " all right fine, whatever.
00:41:05	So, then you got to see the third thing, which were lunatics, just lunatics that like "there's a microphone attached to speakers and I can talk into it?
00:41:15	Oh, the demon monkeys in my hair will have their message " [laughter] and those guys were really good at grounding you, because as you started to get good, you'd start to fool yourself and get all delusional and egotistical like, "i'm edgy, man.
00:41:30	I'm gonna be the next edgy comedi--" and then these guys would go on stage and go, "buddha has a ghost penis living in your " your like, "whoa, I'm nowhere near the edge.
00:41:39	That guy built a cottage on the edge where he lives year around, so--" [laughter] I was up in toronto a few years ago, and I got there a day early I didn't have a show that night, and the club said, "well, you don't have a show, but if " and, I said, "yeah," and i crossed my fingers, and sure enough a couple of wing nuts came in off the street.
00:42:02	And this one guy went on stage.
00:42:04	If he had planned to do what he did, he'd be a genius-- a genius-- on like the andy kaufman level genius.
00:42:13	But the reality of the situation was he was a heroin addict that would start a bit and then he would nod off in the middle of the bit and then he would regain consciousness further along in the bit.
00:42:30	So it's like the middle part was gone and if you were really willing to listen and follow his three lines of logic, his set made sense in context.
00:42:41	There were just big chunks missing.
00:42:43	And the big tragedy of it was he killed.
00:42:47	The audience loved him.
00:42:49	He annihilated.
00:42:50	And all I can think is he's gonna spend the rest of his life just going, "when did I shoot-- how much should I put in-- and when did--" he'll never get the right combo, ..
00:42:58	[Laughter] pepper," which I also thought was-- oh, dr. pepper?
00:43:06	Okay.
00:43:07	So, this is his set verbatim at the "yuk yuks" in toronto.
00:43:11	pepper doing his ..
00:43:15	[Clearing throat] "man, it's rough.
00:43:20	I don't know where to start or where to begin, man.
00:43:23	'Cause my roommate was trying to sell me his car-- says I should buy his car from him and give him a $1,000 for it.
00:43:31	And I was like, 'the radio's busted, the tire's all messed-- " he's like "yeah, but you put a thousand in that, I put the ..
00:43:41	[Laughter] "this dude's out tying his dog to a tree.
00:44:01	I'm out there trying to eat my breakfast, leave the dog out there barking his ass off making this damn noise, and I gotta ..
00:44:08	[Laughter] "i said, 'bitch, you move to the left side of the escalator.
00:44:19	If you're gonna stand there.
00:44:20	I'm trying to move fast, you just stand there like a stack of pancakes.
00:44:23	You put your fat ass over there and she's giving me the bug eyes put the bitch sliding something down my back.
00:44:29	.." [laughter] "i say, a 1,000?
00:44:40	I'll give you 250 for it, man.
00:44:41	The radio's all messed up and the tire's all [bleep] up and he's saying, 'what?
00:44:48	C'mon, man.
00:44:48	[Laughter and applause] he's there like, 'you know, help a brother out'.
00:44:52	And I'm like, 'man, you wouldn't give a cripple crab a crutch-- [babbling]'.
00:44:57	[Laughter] "man, it's rough.
00:45:05	I don't know where to start " that was dr. pepper.
00:45:10	[Applause] [applause] Patton Oswalt: Jesus beats spider man at the movies.
00:47:34	[Laughter] he beat 'em.
00:47:38	That's not how it went when I was playing with my action figures growing up.
00:47:42	Spider man always beat jesus.
00:47:44	And of course you guys know why?
00:47:46	Jesus has no webbing.
00:47:48	Now, i-- I don't know how you feel about mel gibson's movie, or whether you like it or not, but you have to respect the fact, and I'm a stone cold atheist and I still-- you gotta give him props for going to every studio.
00:48:03	Mel gibson went to every studio and said, "i wanna make a movie " and the studios went, "great.
00:48:10	This is crazy christian country.
00:48:12	" and mel went, "hang on.
00:48:15	I just want to do the two days where he gets the crap kicked out of him and then gets nailed to a cross.
00:48:22	And the studios went, "oh, really?
00:48:24	..?
00:48:25	What about when he's walking on water and making lunch for everybody and being nice to ..?
00:48:31	Wouldn't that be a better, " ..
00:48:34	"Nope-- two days-- get the crap kicked outta him-- nailed to a tree-- " and their like, "yeah, we're not gonna make that, " and he went, "go screw " and he shot it himself, and now it's making matrix money.
00:48:46	Wow.
00:48:48	That'd be like if I pitched like, "i wanna make the life of " they go, "oh, that's a thrilling " "hang on.
00:48:56	I just wanna do the four hours in his life when he had really bad food-poisoning and he was just on the toilet [bleep] water for four hours.
00:49:08	" ..
00:49:12	..?
00:49:15	Really?
00:49:16	What about the, you know, photoelectric effect, and the relativity theory and the bomb, " "no, he eats a bad egg salad sandwich and then he's just on the toilet hunched over, sweating, nothing to read-- four hours, just liquid waste purring between his skinny " [laughter] "yeah, we're not-- that's awful, pal.
00:49:45	We're not gonna shoot that.
00:49:46	" " [laughter] then they're science colleges were they're buying out blocks of tickets.
00:49:54	"We're all gonna go watch einstein take a dump.
00:49:57	" the human body can only crap for an hour.
00:50:02	This guy went four hours.
00:50:03	He was special.
00:50:04	This guy was special.
00:50:06	[Laughter] "let's go see einstein take a dump, man.
00:50:11	Let's go see that again, that was great.
00:50:13	I loved it.
00:50:14	I cried, man.
00:50:14	It changed me.
00:50:15	It really changed me, man.
00:50:16	[Laughter continues] I love to drink.
00:50:21	I like alcohol.
00:50:22	You know what I like even better than drinking?
00:50:24	Liquor ads.
00:50:26	Liquor advertising is the only product.
00:50:28	They just know who they're selling to.
00:50:31	They don't make any-- you know what I mean?
00:50:32	"Hey, drunky, get this in you so you'll be fun.
00:50:34	" you don't see like cheetos going, "hey, man boobs, cheetos crack-- c'mon!
00:50:42	" [laughter] every liquor ad is just based-- oh, there's billboards for , and it's all-- they look like the saddest short stories you've ever read.
00:50:58	These billboards-- there's one for dewar's-- oh, there's a big sweaty glass of dewar's with ice.
00:51:03	That looks good.
00:51:04	But then the tag line makes you never wanna drink.
00:51:07	"Cause the tag line says, "dewar's-- at least one thing " [laughter] what went wrong with your life that you're-- is that how you think it-- "i hate my job.
00:51:24	I can't stand [bleep] that hedgehog of a wife anymore, but you're my buddy, dewar's, you're my pal.
00:51:32	[Laughter] I'm gonna sneak you into the " [laughter and applause] and there's another one for j&b scotch and it says, "j&b scotch, the antidote for " [laughter] for what?
00:51:55	"Yes, before you get behind the wheel of an automobile, make sure that every tissue in your body is soaked in fine, casket aged j&b scotch.
00:52:05	" [laughter] even the tv ads are just like depressing.
00:52:14	There was one for that-- remember that martini & rossi ostispu-- blah-- anyway, they had a tv ad where the camera is zipping around this party and everyone's boogying and having a good time-- whew-- and they talk to this guy, and they go, "hey, man, why are you drinking " and the guy goes, "'cause it's " [laughter] that's what a wino says.
00:52:38	[Laughter continues] hey, why are you [bleep] off in the mailbox in front of the chick filet?
00:52:43	"Hey, man, I found a $50 bill in a pile of dog crap.
00:52:48	I took it down to the local tap and cap said, 'set 'em up country music, it's party '" then they zip over to this hot chick, and they go, "why are " and she goes, "'cause he said he would call me back, and he called me back.
00:53:03	[Laughter] see normally I [bleep] anything that hooves into my field of vision.
00:53:10	But this guy's new in town, doesn't know my reputation as the town [bleep] jar and he's gonna try to start a relationship, and I'm gonna try to blot the memory of when i [bleep] that softball team in " [laughter and applause] crunch time, wheat thins.
00:54:01	You and your tasty whole grain.
00:54:04	This can only end one way.
00:54:07	(crunch) Wheat thins.
00:54:09	Toasted. whole grain.
00:54:11	Crunch.
00:54:12	Have at it.
00:56:15	[Applause] Patton Oswalt: By the time they air this there's gonna be a new president and I have a lot of-- [cheers and applause] it might not be a good one ..
00:56:27	Oh, I know you're saying-- I don't know-- I have a lot of dread these days.
00:56:32	I'm trying to be optimistic.
00:56:33	I don't know how this thing's gonna turn out.
00:56:36	I don't wanna jinx it.
00:56:38	So, won't I'm gonna say now, and just hang on hippies, I'm being ironic is-- [laughter] there's a very sick part of me that wants to vote for george bush and this is why, all right?
00:56:53	Hang on!
00:56:54	[Laughter] I'm gonna take you into rdor-- bring right back to the shire-- just hang on.
00:56:59	[Laughter and applause] I feel like george bush can bring about the biblical apocalypse.
00:57:12	I don't mean the road warrior there's no gas apocalypse, or the jerry bruckheimer the weather's gone crazy apocalypse.
00:57:18	I mean the revelation of john-- demons coming out of the ocean-- seven headed beasts-- all that stuff.
00:57:24	Because, here's the thing, I don't think bush wants to be president.
00:57:28	I think he wants to be the lastpresident-- just out in the wasteland in a hockey mask all mutated and muscular-- "just walk away from the " that's kinda who he wants to be.
00:57:42	And if the apocalypse happens, that's how I wanna die, because that's the way to go.
00:57:48	Because once the apocalypse starts, and you guys will know ..
00:57:52	Audience Member: Zombies-- Patton Oswalt: Zombies, very good.
00:57:56	When the zombies come, it means that I'm wrong and there is a god, and there is an afterlife.
00:58:00	And it also means you will be in the vip section of eternity-- the velvet rope section of forever, because you'll have died in the apocalypse.
00:58:10	Everyone else in heaven-- can you imagine how boring their stories are?
00:58:13	" " " " " and you'll go, "how did I die, in the mother [bleep] " "it was awesome.
00:58:25	Oh, my god.
00:58:26	Oh, you should have seen it.
00:58:28	Oh, these holes open up in the ground and these skulls with bat wings came out and they gnawed on people.
00:58:35	And then these volcanos rose and spewed menstrual blood under the skies and it formed into avril levigne's face and she recited thegoodwill hunting screen play, and the words turned into razorblades and then you sheered your face off and george bush was president and mediocrity held sway!
00:58:54	[Cheers and applause] thank you all very much.
00:59:00	Good night!
00:59:02	Captioning made possible by comedy central.
00:59:07	Captioned By mCCaptioning Services Reseda, California.