Bible II

=

The Sequel to

God's #1 Best Seller

----------------------------------------

The Book of Chris
Written in 1993

-----------------------------------------

There once was a man named Bzeriolaichhachivachioerterhaca.

But because of inconvenience and how long it would take to write dialog, his name is Bob. Bob was walking down the street one day in Moscow one fine summer day when a close friend that drove a big cigar and smoked a Cadilac car ran him over. Bob said "That wasn't very nice." And picked himself off the street and then taped and painted himself. "Why did I do that?" He asked himself. Suddenly two beautiful blondes in very skimpy clothes jumped out with Bud Dry bottles and put their arms around him.

Then T.V. cameras jumped out of the shadows and a loud voice boomed "Why ask Why? Try Bud Dry." And then he was alone again on the street. Bob slapped himself and dunked his head in a cold water puddle on the street and then continued on his aimless route.

Bob passed a market on his route to nowhere. A sign hung in front of the store. It read "Honey Pie - $2 - Courtesy of The Beatles." Bob was very confused, "Who the heck are the Beatles and why hasn't Raid gotten them yet?" Chris Dill a well behaved citizen blew his cool and mugged Bob to the point that he didn't. Bob said "Golly gee... some people are sensitive about this bug thing."

Anyway, as the plot thickens, Bob leaves Moscow looking for a job somewhere in Russia. Minutes later he wakes up and smells the

Babushka and heads for the US.

On the plane Bob hears the song "Not so Back in the USSR" and asks the flight attendant to rid the plane of all insects and to burn the album.

Then Bob notices that her name pin reads Sexy Sadie. "Never mind" He says. Meanwhile on the ground, Chris Dillon is aiming an "Air to the plane that Bob is flying in missile". Bob notices a large gray object fly past his window and says, "Oh what pretty shooting stars that defy gravity they have around here" and goes to sleep.

Bob gets off the plane and a luggage-man gives him his luggage (makes sense doesn't it?) and says, "Take this brother may it serve you well." Bob hesitates for an hour or so and then says with a your crazy pal voice, "Thanks......" And hurries to the busy highway and throws himself out in the middle of it. Except he lives. Kids: Don't try this at home...Bob is just a rebel without a clause.

Bob liked it so much that he died.

Bob was just kidding.

Chapter 2

Make it stop.

There once was a man named Bzeriolaichhachivachioerterhaca. But we don't like him.

Bob went to mother's house. Bob cleaned her dishes, waxed her car, cooked her meals, mowed the lawn, even went to work for her at the coal mine. Then Bob realized that he was at the wrong house said sorry and left.

Bob didn't want to work for his mom so he walked to Washington D.C.

Bob met Uncle Sam there and ask him for some money to buy a soda. Sam insisted that Bob take some government bonds but Bob knew that people just use that for toilet paper and not money. Sam finally convinced Bob to take his American Express. Uncle Sam ran away after Bob had taken it and almost fell over on the White House lawn laughing. Bob was happy until the 7-11 store manager told him that he had a credit debit of over 5 trillion dollars. Bill Clinton slapped his forehead. Bob joking said "Very funny.....PUNK! But I'm sure that this credit card couldn't hold that much debit, I mean it's just not physically possible, see a 2.5" x 4.5" card just can't...... Then the card exploded. Bob flew back a few light years with his Slim Jim in one hand and his Jolt Cola in the other and realized was in space, light years away from earth, and no air to breathe. Looked at his bottled sugar and then at his beef jerky and said "Well at least I won't starve."

Bob would've done just that except he built a sailboat from the space trees growing and caught a solar wind. Bob said "hermerf i gorg doter sod" and landed on penny lane. Bob picked up the pieces of his boat and glued it back together with tape and discovered the basic fundamentals of pointless activities when he smashed his boat into a wall because he was so happy.

Bob went to hell that day. Bob turned on the air conditioner in hell and that resulted in a new saying, "pleasant as Hades". God smiled. Bob was greeted by Satan who was happy it wasn't so hot. Satan went up the stairs to the closest spot to hell, New York City. Satan put on a big smile when he got to the top and immediately ran into Central Park. Bob watched Satan ran through the flowers skipping and singing the whole time and then he stopped. Bob crossed the street except he didn't. So Bob tried again but he didn't. Bob finally crossed the street to get to the other side of course but got hit by a truck. Bob said "Damn it!" Satan said "OK!" And turned the truck into a School Bus, the man in the truck said, "Help I'm being dammed! Help! Help! Someone shot him. "Thank you." he said.

Bob was getting sick of being with the Lord of the dead so he called God (with a pay phone of course) and got him to haul holy butt and dispose of Satan properly. God shrugged his shoulders and threw himself off a cloud he realized that gods can't fly seconds before impact. (Thank you know who that he didn't take the form of a whale or a flower pot that says "Oh no not again.") God died. God went to heaven. God resurrected himself. God took the elevator. Satan found that he didn't get along with God for some strange reason. Satan said "Go to hell!" God sadly walked down the red stairs........and threw the biggest party in the history of the universe (which is a big party) but no one came, I mean who wants to go to a party in hell?

Bob ditched society and went home which is on Mars but he moved so he on the dark side of the moon. Bob invited Pink Floyd to his house. They said, "Thanks Bob, so I guess I see you on the dark side of the...." Bob hung up, he hates cheap jokes. Monty Python snapped his finger.

Chapter 3

No More Please.

Bob took the local space-bus to Earth. Bob's Bus burned up beautifully beside the bluebird because. Don't you hate it when that happens. Anyway speaking of marshmallows, Sally hit Bob and proceeded to take his wallet but Bob liked his wallet, It's been a friend, through thick and thin Bob's wallet has always been there for him, and its a good thing, Bob has no purpose for his wallet no money and his wallet is pointless activity #2 - Having a wallet with no money in it. Back to the extreme action, Bob yelled very gently , "Excuse me miss, but that property you now possess belongs to me. If you would be so kind as to place that carrier of currency on the pavement and briskly walked away from this vicinity." Sally shocked with raw fear dropped the wallet immediately and stuttered "L-Look I-I-I'm real sorry I d-d-didn't know youz waz so t-t-ang tough." And ran down the sidewalk screaming "Oggidy Boogidy Woooooower Mufffert!!!!" Bob thought "Maybe I should buy some coffee?" And walked into a local bar. And fell down. Bob thought "Maybe I should walk in a bar instead of into a bar?" And did just that.

Bob looked around in the bar. There was a chair, a table, a lamp, a drink, a purple elephant, a bartender, a What?!!!! Bob said outloud "Ok who let the bartender in here?" Everyone in the bar looked at each other mumbled and shrugged their shoulders. Bob said to the bartender, "GET OUT!!!!" and threw him out the window and chased him down the street. Bob stopped chasing the bartender and waited for him to keep running except the bartender stopped at the exact same time as Bob did. Bob run at him and the bartender ran too. So they continued running down the street stopping, cursing, and running again until sunset. When Bob realized how late it was he said "Ok I quit." and took himself hostage.

Bob went up to the tallest building in the city and pulled a gun on himself. He put himself in a headlock with his left hand and put the gun to his neck with the other. The police were immeadiatly called. Fire trucks and anti-terrorist trucks and forces were brought in. The press was there, even Elvis was there, so people said. Bob said to the police, "I want a plane, Five hundred thousand dollars and a floresent brown Pinto." The police looked at each other. Then looked at Bob. Then looked at each other. Then looked at Bob. Then they all broke their nacks doing that. And the police as a whole, fell down. The crossing guards were sent in. Bob started shaking. Bob said to himself, "It's never going to work."

"Oh yea it is."

"Oh no it's not"

"You shut up or I'll blow you away right here."

"Well then you won't have a hostage."

"Yea I will."

"No you won't"

"Yea I will, I'll take myself hostage again."

"But you'll be dead."

"No I won't."

"Yea you will."

"No I won't, I'm not going to shoot myself."

"Well then who are you going to shoot?"

"You."

"Well who am I?"

"Bob."

"Who are you?"

"Bob."

"Weeeeelllllll then who are you going to shoot?"

Bob was confused.

"Ok let me think for a while."

Bob caught himself off guard and elbowed himself in the ribs. Bob hit himself with the gun. He almost hit himself again except he blocked himself, he saw that one coming. Bob finally ran away from himself. Bob dropped the gun and ran after himself down the stairs. He lost himself around a corner but then heard his own footsteps and caught himself right as he was going out the door. Bob got up the strength to over power himself and break his own neck. Bob collasped on the floor as Bob ran away from himself in terror, frightened by the image of himself dead. Bob ran out the door. The crossing guards tackled Bob. Bob thought while he was under the pile of crossing guards "Aren't you glad you use Dial, don't you wish everyone else did?". The chief of crossing guards asked Bob while he was being restrained, "Where is the terrorist?" Bob smiled and said, "He must have killed himself."

Bob slept well that night except he didn't go to sleep, he stayed up all night thinking about the power we all have over ourselves.

Chapter 4

Send Help.

Bob woke up on a Saturday, (which is pointless activity #3) and discovered his house was gone. Bob being the most resourceful person quickly went down to the local Lost & Found and there sitting in a shoe box was his house. Bob looked at the 280 ton house sticking out of a .000001 ton shoebox and reflected on the moment and said, "We all live in a Yellow Submarine."

Bob took his house and put it in his backpack and went home which was in his backpack so he just set up his house on main street, but then he needed his mail, so he walked back with his backpack to the stump where his house was and got his mail. And then went home, which was in his pack so he just set up his house on the place where it used to be in the first place. Then of course he had to get new friends, a new address and a telephone number because he moved.

Bob was lonely. Bob had friends and a new telephone number but that wasn't enough. Bob had an idea. He walked down to the animal shelter and bought a cat. It was black and brown and gold and looked like a tortose shelled turtle. He called it Here. Two other cats meowed at Bob so he bought them too. One was black as the night itself at midnight. He called it Now. The other one was black too but had an attitude problem and was probably male. Bob almost called it Rocky but that Beatles song Rocky Raccoon was in head and you know how he hates the Beatles. So he called him Go. Chris Dillon breaks out of jail and charges Bob. Bob leaves the room as Chris is flying through the air. Chris with an wide-eyed look at Bob walking out the door slams into the medicine cabinet and Valium pills fly everywhere including into Here's mouth as it's yawning and into Chris's as he says "Ow." Here becomes very mellow all of a sudden. Chris just sings Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds as the mental doctors put him in a white jacket and escort him to St. Mary's Mental Hospital. Paul McCartney slaps his forehead.

Anyway, the whole point behind that chapter is nothing but that's OK.

Bob kept calling Here and Now and Rocky to come and eat, but that's hard to say here, Here. Where are you now Here. And Now would come. "No, Now go away!" Go would come and Now would come later and so on. Bob finally called them Larry, Curly, and Moe. The three stooges slap eaach other's foreheads.

Chapter 5

Help me I'm stuck in the subtitles and I have to listen to this story

that rambles on and on and I can't cover my ears and.....

Someone shoots the man in the subtitles.

Bob walks down the street.

Someone shoots the man in the subtitles.

Bob walks down the street some more.

Someone shoots the man in the subtitles some more.

A police officer tackles the someone.

Bob ditches Chapter 5.

Chapter 6

Bob goes grocery shopping

(notice the real subtitle)

Bob needed food on Sunday. He went to church but the bread and wine just wasn't enough. Bob went to the local Magruders. Walking down the produce isle Bob tripped over some lettuce on the floor. "Hey! What kind of place is this?!!! The veggies are on the floor! Things are evolving on the carrots!! A science class is taking samples of the broccili! The eggs are hatching, the bread is talking, and the milk ran away with the spoon!"

No one noticed Bob.

Bob threw a califlower at the manager. He suffered brain damage. Bob threw a potatoe at Dan Quayle. Dan cried. Bob was confused. Bob took a cart and walked down the bread isle thinking of eggs. Bob took a right and then another right and walked down the egg isle thinking of bread. Bob stopped his cart and gave up thinking. Bob felt much better. The store clerk watched Bob very carefully. The store clerk saw a School Bus fly through the side wall of the store and skid on the pastry section trying to stop. She ran toward the bus crying "Oh what have you done?!!" She ran around to the door on the bus and said "Ok mister, you're in big...." Stallone stepped out of the bus and punched the lady looking over her head at the donuts. She collasped on the floor and he stepped over her and grabbed a box of creamed donuts and got back in his bus and said "I'll be back?" in a confused voice and screeched out of the hole in the wall he made.

Bob ran to the woman and helped her up as she regained consciousness, and hit her back down. She recovered....on that grocery store floor a few weeks before the ambulance came.

Bob bought his celery and left Magruders. Some buisness man in the Magruders building in some remote big inner city slapped his forehead.

Chapter 7

I don't like being a subtitle, why can't a be a title?

I hate the word subtitle it's so unimportant.

I mean....

Someone shot the man in the subtitle again. But we don't want to start that again so we took that shot back and just fired him.

Bob hated his name. But that's OK.

Bob loves to be......

Bob.....

Chapter 8

I'm BIGGER than the title!

ha ha...

I think I'm too fat.

I need to lose weight.

Work out.

Feel the burn.

One

Two.

One

Two.

One

two

..

.

Bob regains control of the story.

Bob sits back and looks at the plot. The story slowly twist down to a bungling thatch of letters and phrases. Bob waits for a key event to occurr. It doesn't. Bob finally gives up on waiting.

Bob is really board. So he decides to get a job. Bob goes to the unemployment line. Bob notices why they call it a line. "In geometry," he states "a segment running through two points that never ends." Bob sees the connection between a line and an unemployment line when he looks down the street, down the valley, past Pluto and still can't see the end. Bob says "herbilac" and walks to the local elementry school.

Bob walks in the funny smelling building and walks to the main office. Bob walks in the funny smelling main office and is greeted by a funny smelling lady. "Oh." Bob says. Bob explains to the lady how a bird flies and leaves. Then Bob realizes that he came to ask for a job. Bob walks into the office and says "The bird's wing is made up of very distinct parts...."

Bob punches himself and collapses on the floor. The lady just stares. Bob jumps on his feet and says very proudly "Where is the little boy's room?"

After the lady curses and points down the hallway, Bob is on his way. After his buisness is done Bob tries again, (and you wonder why he didn't have a job) and pulls it off. The lady hands Bob a mop while Bob hands her deoderant. Bob is now the manager of health and regulator of waste facilities - Bob is a custodian.

Chapter 9

Number 9 Number 9 Number 9

Bob goes to his office in the boiler room. All of a sudden Bruce Willis

burst in screaming "I need a map of Dulles airport!" Bob just clubs him and puts in the dirty laundry basket. Bob's beeper goes off. Bob just clubs it and puts it in the dirty laundry basket.

Bob sits for hours in his run down office. There's nothing for him to do. Maybe if he had a deck of cards he could understand why they are paying him. Bob goes to sleep and wakes up the next morning.

Bob looks around as he hears voices. He puts his head against the wall to listen. "Yes officer, $17,000 worth of pencils were stolen last night because that stupid custodian that we hired didn't lock the doors." said the lady in the office.

"Miss, where is the custodian now?" said the cop.

"I dunno, he ran off into the pipe system."

Bob looked around him and saw the variety of pipes and plumbing equipment around him. Bob also saw a crack in the wall and peeped through.

The cops looked at each other and smiled. Then they held each other's hand and almost hugged but saw that they were in public and straighted up and cleared thier throat. "Well miss I'm going to have to report this." The cop pulled his walkie talkie out of his belt and said into it,

"This is officer Brandent reporting a possible 1156324445 and one half."

"OK officer Brandent, crossing guards are on their way." responded the walkie talkie.

Bob leaned closer to the wall to get a better look and fell through it. The cops spun around on their heals in sync and pointed at Bob. Bob said,

"Hey Jude." The cops charged him. Bob pulled a mop out of his back jean pocket. The cops thought twice about charging him anymore. Bob spun the mop around his shoulders while some strange chinese ninja film music played. The cops thought three hundred times more about charging. But cops think too slow. Bob hit the back of the sergent's knees with the handle of the broomstick. The cop's knee folded and he fell backwards. Bob tickled his face with the mop string as he fell. And that did it. The cop lay lifeless on the ground. His partner looked at him and became filled with rage. Bob did the same technique on him. Now they both lay on the ground. The lady looked at Bob and ran. Bob almost threw his mop at her which would've hit her head killing her instantly and sending her flying and sliding down the hallway and into a wall snapping her neck and shoving her spine down her torso doing enough damage to kill two people, but he didn't.....he's a nice guy. Bob just said to her, "Later."

Bob ran back into his office. He noticed that his office was too easy to get into. Bob also noticed that the late Bruce Willis had a gun. Bob reached into the basket and pulled out the 9mm. Bob didn't like it so he tossed it back into the furnace which sent down the duct straight into a classroom before the heat set the bullets off. The room was blown apart. Bob reached into the basket of goodies again. He pulled a AR-2 out (an AR - 15 is similar to a M-16) It was so small! So he renamed it a AR-15 and then he was happy. Bob ran out into the main hall and shot all the plants he could find. Bob hates potted plants. Bob ran out into the parking lot and mugged a bus driver and stole her bus. Bob started the bus and drove it down the parking lot and spun it out 180 degrees. Bob reved the engine a little bit pulled his AR-15 out and sang "Happiness is a warm gun" by the Beatles and drove his bus through the main office wall thus crushing anyone who was in it. The lady however, wasn't. Bob kicked the door open and shot anything that moved. Bob shot himself a few times before he realized that "shoot andthing that moves" doesn't include yourself. Bob broke down the lady's door with an atom bomb. Bob was charred a little bit but he took an Advil, so he felt his best. The lady stood in the corner with a cross pointed at Bob. Bob remembered that this is a bible and asked the author not to mention how brutally and slowly he murdered her.

The cops finally caught Bob after he attacked a High School nearby. Bob was sentenced to 40 life sentences. Bob didn't think paroll was going to make a whole bunch of difference. But all the inmates respected him considering he had set a world record on the worst sentence in history. Then Bob woke up.

Chapter 10

Moo.

Bob found himself back in his custodian office. Bob went to the main office and requested he get fired. She wouldn't fire him. Bob quit. She couldn't argue. Bob took a pencil while her back was turned. Bob sold the pencil on the black market for $100.

Bob went home, but not really. Bob went home for real this time and made it. Bob sat down in his chair turned on Oprah Winfrey and went nuts. But he had already done that so he was fine. A waitress said to Bob, "May I take your order sir?"

"What are you doing in my living room?"

"Uh, this is your living room?"

"Look around you!"

Bob turned around in his chair to point to his kitchen except he pointed to a bar. Bob was all of a sudden in a bar sitting in his Lazy-Boy. Bob yelled, "Hey! What are you all doing?!" Everyone looked at him and the manager came out and threw him into the street. Bob looked back at the neon lit bar that looked exactly like his house from the outside. Bob stopped by his mailbox on the way off his property. Bob was now homeless. Bob called all the homeless people in the world home-full. Houses and land were created instantly. The world was 3500 city blocks bigger from that day on. Bob went to his new house and posted a sign outside his house that said, BEER NOT SERVED HERE! And lived the rest of his life in happiness until he died painfully, but Bob turned out to be immortal so he really didn't die, and got to see the end of the world, he's got photos if you want them, but not really I mean photo stores might be open 24 hours a day 7 days a week but not open on doomsday. So Bob is floating through space with the Beatles. They turned out to be immortal too, John Lennon was just kidding. Death slaps his forehead.

The End

It's over!!!!

Somone shoots the man in the subtitles.