Tim: hmm…its going to cost 500+ to replace my guest tub…or $20 to try to fix it myself……wonder which one i am choosing
Tim: correction…16.78 for the DIY kit
Tim: thats the one thing i miss about being in an apartment “Hello property manager…item X doesn’t work…please come fix it”
Me: The first rule of Fight Tub, you do not talk about Fight Tub.
Me: The second rule of Fight Tub is – YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT TUB.
Tim: doh

Jeff: i could sense your *sigh* through the fabric of cosmic “meh” that surrounds us
Jeff: I call it “the Meh”

Me: Smorshfist Wotring
Me: Brackless Destiny Wotring
Me: Super Mushlette Wotring
Me: Moppy Wrangler
Me: Strandy Undie
Jeff: Popper Nestify
Me: Stop Westification Wotring
Jeff: Gorgon Hiesenburg Wotring
Jeff: Valhalla Krytos Wotring
Me: Geurselee Yorker
Me: Xythosian Aantombler Wotring
Jeff: I’Moorlak Ghys-zvhydruen Wotring
Me: Barrading Stimpy
Me: Revolving Trussmiffler
Jeff: Farvlow Abingdon
Jeff: Portulance Constituent
Me: Yord de Vord
Jeff: Borque E Borque
Me: Yord de Vord, I drive a Ford.
Me: Ferdy Herder
Jeff: Megatron Humphry Wotring
Me: Ms. Spathy Penetratelson Wotring
Me: Mr. Youngly Molerithe
Jeff: Mothra Yessireebob Wotring
Me: Ronky Squeeknerf
Jeff: Zabadoo Zebediah Zachariah Wotring
Me: zzzw. what’s up man.
Jeff: Fritz Cornshuuter Wotring
Me: Vadim Yortgagger
Me: Colluna Treecutter
Jeff: Moo-shin Mipants Wotring
Jeff: Herman Colostomy Dillon
Me: …
Me: Jeff Loves Dillon
Jeff: Weekends Walter Jousting Wotring
Jeff: what.
Me: My name is Jeff Dillon.
Jeff: Heterosexual Raymond
Me: Middle Initial?
Me: L.
Me: Middle Name?
Jeff: LOL
Me: loves
Me: errr
Jeff: “Notgay Wotring”
Jeff: will either be very fitting or hilariously ironic
Me: Bushy Genitad Wotring
Jeff: Merch Oomph Woring
Me: Curvey Didlo
Jeff: Dildo would be funnier
Me: No. Too obvious.
Me: Echotomy Rattler
Jeff: Euwish Euwera
Me: ViHov Blerker
Me: Lisner Preturk
Jeff: Laserbeak Oracle Wotring
Jeff: [transformers are always fun]
Me: Sniffley Reekomang
Jeff: Horatio Allistair Crumplebum Wotring III
Jeff: [always]
Me: Toodner Horfnert
Jeff: Whinst Pigillicaughty
Me: Ariel McVaccublarg
Jeff: Oid McBoyd Wotring
Me: Anystrewn Slew
Jeff: Chaotic Orantangelo
Me: Linechopper Ninerstopper
Me: ooh nice one
Jeff: Lemonjello Pajamordin
Me: Heresy Creambragger
Jeff: Satari Antelopermuffin
Me: Amiga Humpyspill
Me: Rumpy Trickle
Jeff: Velcro Prototympanic Wotring
Me: Pluggo van Servoblank
Jeff: Ribbed Anderfilter
Me: Dr. Wrank Birthsoup
Jeff: Positivarity Giorgina
Jeff: St. Ironitude Lifekicker
Me: Ironitude. lol.
Jeff: Placental Discharge
Me: You better adjust your ironitude mister!
Me: Labian Spearson
Jeff: Sarcasting Philanthropology
Jeff: LOL
Jeff: Labian
Jeff: AHHHHHHHH
Me: lol
Jeff: Vulvic Bypasser Wotring
Me: Vagley Dripingly
Jeff: Rectal Thermometry Wotring
Me: Peencorn Hatcher
Jeff: Madison Fuckerson
Me: Breastwitch Cranborn
Me: Sexicon Lexmixer
Jeff: Cocacola Pisspee
Me: Peeder Drinkmist
Jeff: Brastrappy Gigundomatic Wotring
Me: Shortnose Longbottom
Jeff: Bartenderized Uvular
Jeff: Properfucked Inspirateship Wotring
Me: Werst Prod Jr.
Jeff: Teakettle Annotated
Me: omg dude. … i just …
Me: I’m so spent.
Jeff: Yumter Halfquacked
Me: loi
Jeff: Fadriffic Anicdotomy
Jeff: Bipolish Pectoration
Jeff: Cheezery Brickscag
Jeff: Painteater Microfiche
Jeff: Peatshut Evertwick
Me: Downser Felloff
Jeff: Cerebonious Vichyfort
Me: Eltoid Buttmint

Matt: Chris…
Matt: …the dot matrix
Matt: …it has you!

Me: and I have ir
Me: it
Me: I have ir too.
Jeff: i have ire
Me: ??
Jeff: meaning hate
Me: noice
Me: I have tire.
Me: It means condom.
Jeff: i have fire. meaning herpes.
Me: I have sire, meaning wife.
Jeff: i have liar. meaning atul.
Me: Good one!
Jeff: i have prior. meaning richard.
Me: I have briar, meaning Tar baby.
Me: Brier*
Jeff: i have fryer. It’s an asian wagon. Ladio Fryer.
Me: I have satire, meaning me working for a defense contrator.
Jeff: i have the shire. meaning where noah lives.
Me: omg
Me: fucking zing
Jeff: i have “everyone for hire”. meaning The EOCO.
Me: re-zing
Me: zing reloaded
Jeff: I have funeral pire. meaning the same.
Me: I have ches-hire, meaning George P.
Jeff: i have wearing a wire. as in SCC investigations of the ain family.
Me: ouch.
Me: Zing Revolutions.
Jeff: i have desire. as in robots can’t feel.
Jeff: i have higher. as in pay than what it was at teo.
Jeff: *also see “standards”
Jeff: i have quagmire. well. thats pretty self-explanatory.
Me: I have dire. As in my teddy bear.
Jeff: i have ‘youre fired’. as in ethany.
Me: Whoa. The Two Zing Towers.
Jeff: we’ll take the memic route thanks
Jeff: I have retire. as in Giun.
Me: that is true.
Me: The Return of the Zing King.
Jeff: i have squire. as in fender.
Me: the bass?
Jeff: I have underwire. As in boobs.
Me: Nice. Zing Episode IV: A New Zing
Jeff: i have lawyer. As in “mr wookie – you have been served. if you do not show up in court…”
Me: I have drier. As in Kelly looking at Arthur.
Jeff: i have pliers. Meaning nisco
Jeff: !
Jeff: Malibu’s most Zing
Me: I have conspire. As in hackers + free time + SimplePHP
Me: I have inquire. As in me + beer + slut in Macados in 1996, no I totally didn’t know she was a guy but she’s pregant with my kid in Mexico and OMG Kristin is going to kill me.
Jeff: I have perspire. Meaning I punch fucktard n he nuts a lot.
Jeff: LOL
Me: I have transpire. As in my divorce in 2 years.
Me: I have McGuire. As in, you had me at ThanksGibbing.
Jeff: I have aspire. As in to not be poor all my days
Me: I have Townhouse Buyer. As in holy fucking 20k.
Jeff: i have Worchestershire. As in this beef tastes of salt and raisins.
Jeff: \m/
Jeff: Back to the Zing
Me: I have Fantastically Fabulous Attire. As in my pink thong that is starting to boost my rash.
Me: Zing. Zing a zong. Make it flappy. To last your own rife rong!
Me: Just Zing. Zing a song!
Me: zong* boo
Jeff: i have line of fire. as in could you move 3″ to the left.
Me: I have desire. No can do thir.
Jeff: i have choir. as in youre preaching to me.
Me: I have entire. As in you have memorized, family guy.
Me: I have wider. As in Bethany’s ass after eating ice cream for 40 years after she gets a semi and doesn’t know how she did.
Jeff: i have gruyere. as in cave-aged swiss cheese
Jeff: i have dyer. as in TK’s hair dresser.
Me: I have wiser. As in, she’ll be none-the …when I sneak in @ midnight and grab her man nuts.
Jeff: i have Geiger. meaning Gordon Freeman.
Jeff: LOL
Me: hehe
Jeff: Jurassic Zing II: The one with Goldbloom only
Jeff: I have Fly-er. As in the sequel to The Fly. Also with Jeff Goldbloom
Me: I have geyser. As in me after 10 Venti Mochas.
Me: Fly-er.
Me: lol
Me: I have Whiner. As in my blog.
Me: I have Berliner. As in “I AM A DOUGHNUT”.
Jeff: i have crimer. as in Amy Fisher.
Jeff: I have luxury liner. As in Leonardo Dicaprio SUCKS
Me: omg. Zing 2002: A Zing Obyssey.
Me: I have designer. As in the snake tattoo on my balls that I can animate to climb on your forehead.
Me: *wap*
Me: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Zing.
Me: I have minor. As in Emma Watson.
Jeff: i have modifier. meaning +10 against agres
Jeff: *ogres. boo
Me: Oh nice.
Me: I have Hermione Granger. Ok whatever, she’ll be hot in about 12 years.
Jeff: I have shier. meaning scotch on the rocks.
Me: Omg, Emma Watson was born in 1990.
Me: I’m going to hell. Misinterpretation by Kristin or not.
Jeff: i have require. Meaning not to see sling blade.
Jeff: shes 15
Me: lol
Me: Wow.
Me: I thought I was joking about 12 years.
Jeff: you have a cellmate sodomizer. as in you’re going to jail, perv.
Me: That’s a 10-4 niner. As in “read you loud and clear”
Jeff: i have goblet of fire. meaning chris [hearts] 15-year old chicks
Jeff: i have begigner. meaning not cancer
Me: I have shiner. As in meeting Emma Watson’s Dad in a bar and showing up to work the next day.
Me: I have Niger. As in, no that N word is okay. It’s a country.
Jeff: i have diner. silver.
Me: I have slicer. As in hymen.
Jeff: i have vaginer. As in JFK loved ‘em.
Jeff: I have fertilizer. Meaning in my pants.
Me: I have slider. As in you on your pants downhill.
Jeff: I have exerciser. As in father O’Dowd.
Me: I have cider. As in puked on Father ODowd.
Jeff: I have limewire. As in pwn3d by spyware.
Me: I have spider. As in google logging your warez.
Jeff: I have wider. meaning my ass.
Me: Zing. The next generation.
Jeff: I have grinder. Meaning hoagie.
Me: I have Rob Schneider. As in Hoagies and Grinders, Lunchlady lady and Holy Shit he and Adam Sandler are in everything together.
Me: wow, I fucked that up.
Jeff: i have Mira. as in Sorvino
Me: The space station?
Jeff: thats mir
Me: Oh, that’s Mir, Soviet.
Jeff: mira sorvino = actress
Me: LOL
Me: I’m dating Mir.
Jeff: LOL

Me: Cubicles = bane
TL: life = pain
Me: Lion = mane
TL: god = lame
Me: emulation = MAME
TL: istanbul = stain!
Me: iChat = GAIM
TL: donkey = sprain
Me: making a huge line of mobs in WoW and having them follow you into town = train
TL: watching erik play WoW for 6 months straight = wayne
Me: My opinion of addiction = same
TL: shammy damn wrinkly larry = game
TL: new game I wrote
TL: sucks
Me: oh that’s so cool that I just = came
TL: cosmos in your jockey shorts = spray
Me: Getting a halberd in my ass = yay
TL: sqaure surface to vomit on = tray
TL: *square
Me: Dude, I didn’t steal your funions. Yeah you did. No. = way
TL: rewling the l33t chat session = gay
Me: Ice s’ghey-ting = ghey
Me: Join the Army, fight for freedom, join = today
TL: I’d rather make money and live another = day
Me: There’s nothing more great in life than working forever, paying bills, growing old and increasing your skill in = crochet
Me: That’s what my Grandma did and she’s doing ok in = green bay
TL: life, it’s horrible journey… begging for the end, drinking ensure all = day
Me: That’s near Minnesota where I was born where they say oh ya and = sorbet
TL: bleeding rectum and no teeth = pray
Me: But what do I want from life other than clever AIM = communique
TL: how about a quad G5 = eh?
Me: From = Comp USA?
TL: no! from apple store in californi = a
Me: Near the = yuk-eh-tay pennisu-lay?
Me: Or the = SF Bay
TL: close, but not real = lay
Me: They make a sweet liquid crystal = display
TL: it shows me hitting beach then = the hay
Me: It shows me your driving record and = dossier
TL: i get you SSN and the records of your = pay
Me: I bet Steve Jobs wears a = toupee
TL: oh thir! my nerves, they = fray
Me: When we consume we = OBEY
TL: *bows*
Me: I got rhymes like disease gots = bombay
TL: i got more hours than a month has = days
Me: which explains my $hash = new array();
TL: i prefer my $hash = browns
Me: which compiles fine on my scalable = Cray
Me: Those CPUs are built in foreign = Tai Pei
TL: decipher and decrypt at the = NSA
Me: Which has more gays than a Nutcracker = ballet
TL: you’re doing very thir, what’s the script = say?
Me: Oh man, the government loggers with this IM conversation are going to have a = field day
TL: me = yay
Me: you = hurray
Me: me = foul play
TL: i wish i could order G5 = tdoay
TL: *today
Me: government = puree
TL: tomato sauce = parfet

Me: You can run eight 30″ cinema displays off the new G5s. 4 Quadro FX 4500. 4 x 4500= 8x 30″
Jeff: OMG WTF BBQ GNU MOM DAD EMT POP SNL BRB JMU UVA LOL WTF WTF WTF
Jeff: EIGHT?!
Jeff: WHY?!
Jeff: there is only 2 good uses for that much video – security surveilence for cocaine cartel warlords (scarface is well pleased) and pr0n (scarface also well pleased, but in a much more private way)

Me: poker mod
Jeff: LOL
Me: every game or sport of any genre ever mod
Jeff: *Chris goes all-in
*edgar TK’s chris with M4A1
*Chris drugs edgar for TK
*Edgar goes all in
Me: NASCAR, fishing, bridge, watermelon seed spitting.
Me: lol
Jeff: *Chris equips running shoes, paint roller, parachute
Jeff: *Jeff equips HE grenade, Monster Truck, pom-poms
Me: “I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing! Let’s do this!”
Me: “I’m so confused! It’s go time!”
Jeff: “Bring it ONNNNN”
Me: “I’m unsure of the rules but let’s fucking blow shit up!”
Jeff: *throws brick
*brick explodes into bloom of glowing flowers
*chris flies through air to catch flying armadillo by tail
[Chris wins match 17 to 25]
Me: LOL
Me: exactly.
Me: “Um, we’re ahead 17 blurns to 25?
Except for the word blurn, what you said was complete nonsense.”
Me: MULTI-BALL! MULTI! BALL!
Me: *scratches head

Me: So I just do my thing.
Me: Any progress on the jobby?
Jeff: im progressing
Me: *nod
Jeff: *re-nods
Me: *casts counter-nod
Jeff: *deflects
Me: *is pwned by his own nod
Jeff: *casts vague wave-from-the-hip with an Ethereal Shrug of the Elven King
Me: *searches inventory for body language resistant gear
Jeff: *Summon “hi-five”
Me: *casts “Down Low”
Jeff: *Counters “too slow”
Me: *Prays to Gods, Ifiriel, Psydion and Grewt to not leave him hangin’
Jeff: *Use item: “SMS Message: ‘sup”
Me: *Dungeon Master kicks table: ‘That’s out of context! SMS!?! Mom!!’
Jeff: *Taps 15 Mana
Jeff: *Draws card: Orcish Hord
Jeff: *Casts “Group hug” on “Orcish Horde”

Jeff: OOO
Jeff: i dropped my goddamn pudding on the floor this morning
Jeff: nobody is having any chocolate swiss miss with their lunch except the friggin dust mites
Jeff: i hate those mites so much
Jeff: always laughing and pointing
Me: Webmaster is the dumbest word in the world. It’s like 1980′s dungeon master who writes HTML before HTML exists. Webmaster. “Contact our webmaster if you have …. blahb alhba”

“What we mean is … I heard webmaster in 1983 and I’m still saying it because I don’t know who runs our website!”
Jeff: lol
Jeff: “webmasters click here” – is that me?
Jeff: i consider myself well versed in all things “web”
Jeff: hell yeah I’m a web *master*
Jeff: code?
Jeff: wtf – nobody gave me a code
Jeff: <drives around looking for Webmaster DMV registration>
Jeff: <finds it>
Me: whoa!
Me: Lois, how … unexpected.
Jeff: <looks at wait sign> 2 friggin hours?!
Me: Jeff’s story takes a twist…
Jeff: I’m not waiting in line for 2 hours
Jeff: <goes home> <pops open computer>
Jeff: [webmasters click here] “this is totally me – I’m a friggin web GOD”
Jeff: “code? wtf!”
Me: You’re a stream of consciousness device. cat /dev/jeff and you get this shit.
Me: :D
Me: lol