I’ve been reading this book since middle school. A book called Lord Fouls Bane by Stephen Donaldson. When I originally bought the book (or when my parents bought it), I was very young and I didn’t understand it. I read to about pg90 about 14 years ago and put it down until recently. It was memorable because of a subtle rape scene very early on in the book that makes you despise the main character (who is also a leper).

Overall, it’s pretty bad. But I’ve been suffering through it. I don’t read much. Mostly because I read enough technical things and web bits. However, I’ve found that non-technical material is a massive literary vacation that is welcomed every once and a while. I finished Lord of the Rings a while ago, finished Harry Potter 4 and I’m working my way through House of Leaves (subtle horror of a weird house in McLean). I don’t finish books quickly (unlike my wife — wife. wife.) and this book is the epitomy of my novel velocity dearth.

14 years I’ve been ‘reading’ this book. It’s been a full-on, full-stop, full-on 14 years but still. My name is signed in kid-scratch in the front cover. The book is dirty. The book is bent. It’s been traveling with me for a long time, forgotten, on the TODO list.

When I picked it up again, I started over. The 14 years to read 90 pages was thrown away. And how my perspective has changed. I actually understand it. The plot (fast moving and weak) is understandable. Perhaps I was too young at the time, which makes me wonder why or how I got it?

Regardless of how I got it, it’s interesting that it’s a fantasy novel (yawn). Yes, I read a lot of this crap (as a percentage). To each their own I guess. I should really pick up something like Ender’s Game or other must-reads like Niven. I picked up some must-reads yesterday after reading this Donaldson crap more. It’s got some good parts but coming off of a Tolkein and Harry Potter kick, it’s hard to readjust to the lack of quality.

Sure, Harry Potter is lame and kiddy. A grown man doesn’t read Harry Potter. But it’s well-written, so I do. K has all of them, they sit around the house, it’s well-written stuff so I read through book 4. Book 5 gets serious and hardback so the reading level is growing-up as you read through them. But enough about Harry Potter. Onto the horror of what I’m reading now.

The metaphors! Oh! How I hate the bad metaphors! The bad metaphors are like a black rain that does not end without starting!

I give you examples now. The main character has a wedding ring on (topical, yes) and it’s being a burden.

His ring had lost its red stain with the setting of the moon; but the color remained in his mind, and the ring seemed to drag him down like a meaningless crime.

Meaningless crimes really aren’t known for their dragging properties. Ugh. This kind of writing rips you out of the story and puts you back in your reading chair like a meaningless crime.

Later, the main character is thirsty.

His throat was parched like a battleground.

Then, much further, the main character gets on his horse in the morning and sets out.

The next morning, he began the day’s riding like a man torn between opposing poles of insanity.

No! You can’t just create the internal conflict by putting it into a riding metaphor! Gawd! Have you ever seen anyone commuting in a sedan like a man torn between opposing poles of staying home and working? What does that even look like? Leaning down, full-on grimace, coffee cup shaking. Clearly this man is torn while he is riding. Surely I see the tearing in his riding!

Whatever.