Chris teaches you to make horrible, evil, terrible, no-good, smooth jazz!

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I hate it so much. Here we go. Know your enemy.

1. First, you’re going to need a band. Now get rid of them. Replace them all with keyboards.
2. No one decides to make smooth jazz in a group, it’s like the unibomber. Surround yourself with these keyboards and laugh manically.
3. Get a drum loop and make sure it swings really hard. So hard, it’s honky.
4. Set your tempo to a sedentary 72 beats per minute.
5. Get your guitar and play an octave apart at all times. If your solo gets too excited, take some valium.
6. Make sure you’re 50+ years old and play golf. This helps a lot. Buy a cadilliac.
7. Keyboard bass only. If you must play a real bass, make sure to slap the bass all the time. Slap bass hasn’t been popular for 20 years but whatever, you’re going to show them all who’s boss.
8. If your song starts to have any edge to it, run away and hide. Then start over.

When the song is over, say “Smooth Jazz” in a drugged, sexy, commercial voice. Then set yourself on fire.